Baconnaise

As many of you know, we here at Swoll Industries have been bringing fine food products, such as "Pigs Fat Ass" and "Swiss Swoll Rolls", to the fat ass community for years. However, it seems our fine Research and Development department has lost a close race to develop "baconnaise". That's right, it was our ultimate goal to combine the artery clogging qualities of bacon and mayonnaise into a super coagulant capable of stopping your heart from beating after a single bite.

On a serious note, this product may be one of the most insanely awesome things ever invented. Who doesn't want bacon on every sandwich? But who has the time to cook all that bacon? I'm morbidly curious (because I'm pretty sure it will kill me) to try this product.

And on a side note, notice in the picture there is a "lite" version of baconnaise. Really? Is that necessary? The people who are interested in mayonnaise that tastes like bacon don't strike me as the "lite" crowd.

Old Scrot Porter

Man, I haven't posted on the blog in a while. I need to do better!

Liz is doing fine resting at home. Her mom and dad have been staying with us and are helping around the house. That is a huge help because I can go to work and not worry about Liz staying at home all by herself. Her parents went out of town this weekend so Liz and I spent a nice quiet weekend on our own. I worked in the yard on Saturday until it started raining and then I listened to the craptastic NCSU vs. Maryland game. I multi-tasked by listening to the State game on the radio and watching the LSU game on TV (Liz's parents both went to LSU) and let's just say that I didn't find it be a good day for football on Saturday!

Now, I'd like to try and get back to the rambling poo to which many of the patrons of this blog have become accustomed (I think that may even be correct English! I didn't end the sentence with a preposition!)

Three weeks ago yesterday I brewed a new batch of beer. This is my most adventurous brew yet and you'll see why when I got through some of the ingredients. The recipe I found and followed was originally called Goat Scrotum Ale. With a name like that, how could I not try to brew it? The ingredients list looked like (and note this is all from my head so I may miss some things):

• 5 lbs. dark dry malt extract


• 1.75 pounds crushed grain




• 1 lb. crystal malt


• .5 lb. dark patent malt


• .25 lb. roasted barley




• 1 lb. corn sugar


• 1 cup brown sugar


• 1 cup molasses


• 2 oz. hops


• 2 oz. fresh grated ginger


• 4 oz. unsweetened cocoa poweder


• Ale yeast

That's right. This beer has everything but the kitchen sink in it! It should be very interesting and it'll be ready to bottle in the next couple of weeks.

It's a porter style beer and I've decided to call it Old Scrot Porter. In the fine tradition of some of my other Blue Ball Ales, I'm sure this one will also be an explosion in your mouth!

And what blog would be complete without a silly ramble...talking of scrotums (which I must say that I don't do very often) reminds me of sitting in left field at Southwestern Randolph High School as a freshman on the JV baseball team. Andy Conway was in center field and there was some jackass sitting in the first base bleachers that was heckling us. I mean really! Who heckles at a JV baseball game! So Andy finally gets tired of the guy and yells out, "Lick my scrotum, big boy!" I don't think I've ever laughed so hard on a baseball field!

Finally home

Liz and I finally got back home around 3:30 this afternoon. It took forever to finally get discharged. I had to run back out and get some prescriptions filled and then I mowed the grass. That's pretty much why this post is so late after we got home.

Thanks again to everybody for the visits, thoughts, and prayers.

Monday...and we're going home

I spent the night here with Liz and everything was quiet. The doctors came around this morning (early!) and examined her and everything looked good. So, we get to go home today! We're waiting around now to be discharged and I don't know how long that's going to take.

At home Liz will continue to be on bed rest. She'll be able to get up and take a shower and go the bathroom. The doctors said she could even get up to fix a sandwich for lunch. She can lay on the couch and she can prop herself up in bed or on the couch. She won't be able to sit in a chair though.

Friday we're supposed to go back to Rex for another ultra-sound checkup and we'll get a more detailed plan of checkups for the future.

Saturday/Sunday update

Meant to post yesterday but I never did and was too tired when I got home last night...

Thanks to all who have visited and thanks to everybody for all the prayers and thoughts!

After talking with the doctors here at UNC over the past couple of days it looks like Liz will get to come home sometime tomorrow. She'll still be on bed rest, but at least it won't be at the hospital anymore. If she starts having regular contractions (like she's going into labor) while at home we're supposed to come up here to UNC until she's 30 or 32 weeks along (that cutoff hasn't really been defined yet). After that, or in cases of emergency like her water breaking, we'd go to Rex.

Which is really good news. On Wednesday, when we first went to Rex, we were under the impression that she would be in the hospital until the baby came. At least this way we can go home and do best rest there. It seems that after 32 weeks she may get to move around a little more and that if we can make it to 36 or 37 weeks that she'll get off bed rest entirely. But we'll find out more tomorrow.

The hospital stays and the transfer to UNC have really been precautionary I suppose. Because her cervix shortened so drastically in a short time (just one week) the doctors were worried that something might happen. And we are still at a much higher risk of preterm labor, hence the prescription for bed rest. The uncertainty and transfers were shocking and scary for us in the beginning, but things have been quiet since we've been in the hospital under observation and we're starting to feel a little better.

I'm going to spend the night up here with Liz tonight so we can both talk to the doctors tomorrow morning. I may or may not go into work depending on when she gets discharged and how long that process takes.

Liz and Little Boy Blue

As many of you may have heard, some complications have arisen in Liz's pregnancy and she's on bed rest right now. The goal is the keep the baby in gestation as long as possible. She's at the UNC Women's Hospital in room 5W09 right now. Here's a run down of what's going on...

On Wednesday we went in to visit the OB because Liz just didn't feel right. We had an appointment scheduled for Thursday afternoon, but Liz called the doctor on Wednesday with her complaints and they asked her to come on in.

Her doctors have been monitoring her cervical length during her pregnancy because she was at risk for cervical incompetence. The cervix is the gateway to the birth canal so it's basically the doorway or floor of the womb. When it shortens you run the risk of it not being able to hold the weight of the baby (cervical incompetence) which can bring on miscarriage or preterm labor.

During the appointment Wednesday her cervix was critically short and the doctor told us to go straight to the hospital. We went across the street to Rex where Liz was put on bed rest. That was a bombshell out of the blue! Both Liz and I were in shock at this point.

It took us a while to get checked into Rex because neither one of us stopped at the security desk to check in. We just went straight up stairs to the admissions desk. After filling out all the paper work we waited for a while. I finally went back to the desk and asked what was going on. The admissions lady wanted to know if either of us had checked in with security. Apparently the hospital didn't know we were there since we hadn't stopped at the security desk.

Anyway, we finally got into the room and Liz got into bed. And at Rex, bed rest meant you stay in the bed no matter what! She had to lay with her feet elevated above her head and had a catheter put in. They hooked her to monitors that measured the baby's heartbeat and if she was having any contractions.

Thursday morning she had a consultation with some of the doctors from UNC (UNC has a small office at Rex) to determine if a procedure to put a stitch in her cervix (a cerclage) would help. The doctors recommended not to do that procedure, but wanted to move her to UNC in case the baby does come early. She continues to be on bed rest, but bed rest here is much better than at Rex. She got the catheter taken out and can get up to go to the bathroom and to take a shower. She can also sit up in bed while she eats (it's hard to eat laying down w/ your feet over your head!)

We don’t know right now how long Liz is going to be in the hospital. Apart from some mild and infrequent contractions, she's doing well and showing no signs of preterm labor at this point. Wednesday we were given the impression that she would be in the hospital until the baby came, no matter how long that was. Yesterday and today the doctors at UNC have given us hope that she may be able to come home for bed rest at some point. I think we’ll know a lot more in the next couple of days.

It’s been completely surreal to go from normal to crazy like this so quickly. Liz and I were both in shock for most of Wednesday and Thursday. Things are a little better today as reality sinks in and we talk to more doctors and realize our situation and options. I think things will settle out in the next couple of days and I'll keep writing updates here on the blog.

Weird Al

Earlier I listened to a interview with "Weird Al" Yankovic on XM. That's a very interesting dude! He sang several of his songs and the last one was "White and Nerdy". That song makes me laugh every time!

The question of Captain Kirk or Picard reminds me of something Liz sent me a few weeks ago...

Mail Goggles

Google has launched a new service called Mail Goggles. It essentially acts as a breathalyzer test to keep you from sending drunk emails. It asks you a series of math questions with a timer to answer them. If you can't answer the questions in time, or get the questions wrong, it apparently keeps you from sending an email.

I thought this was pretty funny. And now I kind of want to get drunk and see if I could still do the math!

Weekend at the beach

I had a good weekend. Hope all of you did. Here is a running recap of the events. A narrative sure to keep you on the edge of your seats. Getcha popcorn!

Thursday night I was supposed to have a basketball game at 9:10. Yes. 9:10. It's one thing to play softball at 9:00 at night, but basketball is another. I really didn't feel like going and apparently the other team didn't either. They only had 3 players show up so we won by forfeit.

Friday I went to play golf with Mike and Mark. Well, I didn't really play golf so much as hit the ball into the woods and cussed a lot. We played Crooked Creek and it's probably 7 or 8 years since I've played there. The last time was at a Progress Energy golf tournament so that gives you an idea of how long it's been. It's very wooded on the back nine with some tight fairways. But I had a great time getting some fresh air and hanging out with Mark and Mike.

Friday afternoon Liz and I went to the beach with her parents. But before we left town we visited with her friend Kaye. Kaye and Bob were in from Colorado on a visit and this would be the only time we could catch up with them. Kaye was at a doctor visit with her sister so we were supposed to met them at Bob's mother's house over in MacGregor Downs. Bob was putting their son, Daniel, down for a nap. So we go to the house and ring the door bell and nobody answers. We knock and big golden retriever comes to the door. But no people. So we go back to the car and call again. Kaye says that the front door should be unlocked and that we should just go on in. I didn't feel quite right about breaking into the house, but Liz said that it would be fine because Kaye said we could go in. I told her she could tell that to the police when we were in jail. But we went in and everything turned out all right.

After that visit, we went to big Wake Med to see Matt and Julie. Julie had their little baby, a girl named Madeline May, Thursday morning. Man, that is a big hospital! It's like a city it's so big! Matt was back at their house trying to catch a nap and we ended up catching Julie while she was trying to eat supper. But we got to see the baby and talk for a bit.

We finally started for Nags Head around 7:00 or so Friday night. We didn't make it to the bed and breakfast we were staying at until after 11:00. But we did finally make it! With only one turn around so we could eat supper at Sonic. Yes, those tater tots are good enough to make a car turn around!

The place was stayed was called the First Colony Inn and it was very nice. We spent the day Saturday lounging on the beach and the weather was perfect. I even went swimming. 3 times. It was cold. Colder than the Mediterranean was. But it wasn't unbearable once you got used to it.

Saturday night we ate at Basnight's Lone Cedar Cafe and saw Marc Basnight. He was walking around the dining room asking if everybody enjoyed their meals. And the food was good.

Sunday we drove back home and stopped to buy some maternity clothes and look at cribs on the way. We got back home late afternoon and I racked my mead again. This will probably be the last time I rack it and in a month or 2 I'll bottle it. I took at specific gravity reading and poured the sample into a glass. It was very interesting. It smelled like honeysuckle or a very sweet scuppernong grape. But it tasted a lot like ginger and alcohol. I let the sample sit on the counter and aerate for a couple of hours and it tasted much sweeter then. Much more like honey. I think the mead will be very good but we'll see what the final verdict is in a couple of months. Now I've got to pick out what 2 beers I want to brew next and order some ingredients!

Racquetball

Man, the word racquetball sure is spelled funny. At least it looks like it to me. Anyway, I played racquetball for the first time in over 10 years yesterday at the gym. Adrian and I went to play a couple of times back in college. We would basically use it as an excuse to lock ourselves in a room and beat the crap out of each other.

Yesterday I went with a guy I met playing basketball at the gym. I ended up having a lot of fun. A lot more fun than I thought I would have. Maybe I'll try playing some more in the future.

I also had a basketball game last night with the work league I'm playing in. Man, it's been a long time since I've played in a league setting and it's hard to run for 40 minutes. In pick up ball, you can take a break every now and then and walk up the court. But when you're the tallest guy on your team, you don't get much bench time and you really can't take a play off and walk or you'll get burned. Somehow I'm leading this league in rebounds which isn't bad for an old dude with a bad wheel! Hey, I know my role. Play defense and get rebounds. I only score on chip shots and garbage collection.